


Losing My Religion

by jhunieilarde



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:22:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27329485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhunieilarde/pseuds/jhunieilarde
Summary: Events leading up to Scully moving away from Mulder.(saw this fanvid in instagram, i forgot the account, but it was during iwtb and how Scully was so lost in that film and i thought of this oneshot)
Relationships: Fox Mulder/Dana Scully
Kudos: 15





	Losing My Religion

How long does it take for a person to break?

The answers can produce a list if they will be based scientifically or in psychological manner. None of that can apply to Dana Scully. Of course, as a woman of science, her brain already informed her of number of things that can contribute to psychological breakdown but she had surpassed the odds. She defied studies by overcoming tragedies of her life. Yes, tragedies. Life has taken an huge turn for her and has led her to live a life she had never envisioned to live when she was younger. Her dream was simple then. She wanted to be a doctor and helped sick people and she had achieved that but due to recklessness, she sabotaged herself which then made her to change course and pursue the bureau. What a naïve woman she was back then?

She strolled that hallway with a fire burning so bright within her and as the years went by, that fire was slowly extinguished by lies, conspiracies, deaths, abduction, torture, and pain…all sorts of pain. Most people will break after the abduction part of her life, to wake up three months later in a hospital with no recollection of what happened. Then, found out you lost your ability to conceive because you’ve been experimented. She’s not most people. She managed to carry on and continue to fight with Mulder. Then, death followed her when she lost her sister. Death almost claimed her in the form of cancer. She watched death claimed her daughter. Hell, she even watched death claimed Mulder. The biggest factor that could have caused her to break was the time she gave up her son to protect him. She would have broken that time if they hadn’t found Mulder. He gave her hope to keep on living and when they got the chance to live, she took it and went away with him.

Life on the run was not part of her fantasies too but she got it anyway. It was fine as long as she’s with Mulder. He’s the only one keeping her sane, keeping her grounded. As long as she’s with him, she’ll be fine.

Of course, it was not easy. The constant moving around, the lies, the change, it got to her slowly. How many aliases had she used? She cannot recall. Five years running turned her into someone numb and passive. The fire is just a spark. It’s so close to dying. What got through her in that period was not Mulder who unsurprisingly comfortable with life on the run. It was Skinner’s phone call on their emergency phone that saved her sanity. The charges against Mulder has been dropped. Knowle Rohrer was found alive so the murder charge against Mulder as dismissed although he cannot return in the FBI after the escape. It was fine. Scully was fine with it. Finally, they can stay in one place and be themselves again.

Finding oneself is harder than she thought it would be. She cannot remember the last time someone called her by her real first name. Of course, Mulder always called her Scully but her given name, no one has called her that in five years. She tried ringing her mother but no one answered. It felt odd to use her usual products after being content to anything a gas station had to offer. She saw the hardship of adjusting to Mulder too. He always felt the need to look behind him for any threat. He slept lightly, if he sleeps at all. He’s always tensed. Settling in one place has become a stranger for him. So they found themselves in opposite sides.

To get back to her old self, Scully took a job at the hospital. She encouraged Mulder to go to teaching or take licensure exam to practice psychology but he refused. He’s not comfortable going back out there. He still thinks super soldiers are after him. She did not push. In the old days, Dana Scully would have been so stubborn and probably would have kicked Mulder’s ass and get him out of the house but a lot has changed. She lost her fire. How can she help him when she’s having a hard time helping herself get back on track?

Being a doctor once again helped her get a grasp of who she used to be. She does not mind anymore that she cannot get every pieces she lost of herself as long as she can remember what it was like to be herself, to be Dana Scully. It was not the case for Mulder.

He grew moody. If he’s not scouring the newspaper for anything odd, he’s busy picking fights with her. There’s just the two of them in that farmhouse. Back when they’re still running, Mulder interacted with strangers at whatever motel they’re staying. He even took a part time job one time. He seemed so carefree during those days. They’re far away from all the darkness and it showed on him. Now, they’re back at the heart of it all and the darkness is growing in him.

Mulder grew distant. She knew he’s lonely, depressed. She wanted to help him but each attempt to talk ends up with more fights and she does not have the energy to fight with him. Arguing is not her thing anymore. So, they ignored each other or rather he ignores her. Scully also knows that he’s deliberately doing that to avoid further hurting her with his words. She understands he’s lashing out his frustrations and there’s no one else to lash out to other than her. At some point, she’s glad he’s letting it out and not just keeping it inside but there were times his words cut like sharp knives in her chest and couldn’t help but take it personally.

One sore subject is their son. She is aware Mulder is trying to find him. He wants to be a father to their son and she took that chance away from him without his knowledge and for that she’ll be forever guilty but Mulder had never blamed her for that until now. It’s his winning card in every argument. Whenever he brought that up, she backed down and locked herself in the bathroom. It always hurts.

Just when she thought she’s finally swimming towards the shore, the waves dragged her back down into the deep blue sea. The stress of her work adding to Mulder’s depression and constant lashing out is sinking her deeper. She started losing sleep. Her old coping mechanism returned and they’re not healthy. She took more shifts at the hospital to shorten her time at home. That way, she can avoid arguing with Mulder and she’ll be tired enough to fall asleep quickly. She started smoking again to relieve her stress and her eating habits lowered down to almost none. Mulder never notices, of course. How can he when he got his own demons to fight?

She suggested once that he should talk to a therapist but that backfired and she never suggested it again.

This time, it’s different. It’s not a good day for Scully and after working her ass off at the hospital, she was told by the Mother Superior to go home and rest. They have noticed her exceeding hours and they’re worried. She tried to argue that she’s fine but there’s no use arguing with nuns and so her time got cut short and she was forced to come home early and deal with her crashing thoughts.

Mulder is inside his office as usual, looking for any nonexistent conspiracies to investigate. He hates the trouble and yet, he seeks it. Scully once called him an addict for it. She still stood by that. Mulder just doesn’t know what else to do other than being in the X Files. Like he always said before, it was his life.

Scully lit up her cigarette and smoked her worries away at the porch. She stared at the orange light for a moment and wondered if the fire in her still burns the same way as her cigarette. She’s not sure anymore because numbness and sadness are all she can feel. Above all else, she’s tired. Her fuse is running out. Despite defying odds, she’s not invincible. She’s no super soldier and one way or another, she will break and there will be no one to fix her when Mulder, himself, is also on the verge of breaking.

“Didn’t know you’re smoking again”, his voice snapped her out of her thoughts.

She almost sighed. He’s there to pick a fight with her again.

“There’s a lot of things you don’t know anymore, Mulder”, she muttered defeatedly.

“…and what do you mean by that?” he asked.

Scully took one last puff before she put out the cigarette. This is not a good day.

“Nothing. Go back to your…work. I’ll make dinner”, she replied and went inside the house.

It should have ended with that if Mulder has not followed her into the kitchen.

“No. I would like to know what you think I don’t know anymore, Scully. Enlighten me please. Use your medical terms and your science bullshit”, he started.

She gripped onto the sink, willing for him to stop.

“Mulder, I am just trying to make dinner”, she breathed.

“Oh now, you’re playing coy? Let me tell you. While you’re out there being an awesome doctor, saving other kids’ lives, I am working my ass off trying to find our own kid that you tossed away”,

He’s doing it again. _Not today_ , she prayed as she started chopping some vegetables.

“It’s hard to do when his own mother made sure no one will ever find him, not even his father!” Mulder yelled.

Her hand slipped and the knife cut her finger which made her gasped in pain. Mulder stopped with his ranting at the sight of her bleeding finger. She put under the running water before wrapping it with clean towel.

“Scully…” he muttered in a gentler tone but she only waved her uninjured hand.

“I’m fine. Don’t touch anything in there. I’ll just disinfect this and I’ll resume with the dinner”, she said and disappeared upstairs.

The pain prevented her from crying and it was a welcome relief. She took her time in the bathroom before coming downstairs to see Mulder had continued her work at the kitchen. It’s the first time he cooked since they arrived in that house. It was an odd sight and Scully does not know what to make of it.

“How’s your finger?” he asked when he saw her standing there.

“It’s fine”, she answered briefly.

He sighed and approached her.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I…I usually don’t know what comes over me recently and I don’t mean to pour it all on you. You don’t deserve to be my punching bag. I am sorry”, he apologized.

It’s another thing that gives her reason to push through. She knows all is not lost with Mulder. He just needs help.

“Mulder, we can’t do this forever. You have to talk to somebody. Get out of this house…please”, she pleaded.

She’s desperate. She wanted this to work. She wanted that normal and peaceful life with him and that can only happen if the two of them starts to heal.

“I don’t think there’s anyone out there that I trust to listen to my thoughts other than you”, he muttered.

“I know but you have to try. Not everyone is out there to get you, Mulder. You have to try so you can start living again. We’re no longer running”, she explained.

He pulled her into his arms. It is something he has not done in a while too.

“I’ll think about it”, he said.

Mulder tried. She knows. She had heard him talk on the phone to a couple of recommendations but something is stopping him from going out.

On the day of William’s birthday, the tension is high. They’re both on edge. None tried to make conversation as they are both aware where it will lead to but after Skinner had called, they began to talk about his offer to Mulder to assist on some case as third party consultant and it went from there.

“Mulder, can we not do this today? Just not today”, she asked.

“Oh you mean our son’s birthday? Of course, it’s not good to fight on our son’s birthday because we don’t want to ruin his birthday party. Oh wait, there’s no birthday party because we got no son. Why? Because you gave him away!” Mulder exclaimed.

She has no rebut to that. It’s all true. How much she wishes she can throw birthday parties for William but she threw that chance too. It’s her fault. Mulder was right about that. The look of hurt flashes on her face before she masked with stoic self.

“Tell Walter I said hi next time he calls”, she replied coldly before going upstairs.

There’s no rush. Scully opened her suitcase and carefully placed her clothes inside followed her toiletries and beauty products. Once she’s done, she went downstairs and dragged her suitcase behind her towards the door. Mulder had heard the noise and saw her leaving when he came out of his office.

“Scully? Scully, where are you going?” he asked as he ran after her outside.

“I am not sure yet”, she answered and then loaded her suitcase at the backseat of her car.

“I’m sorry. Fuck, I’m sorry, Scully. This day is just not a good day”, he apologized.

She sighed and turned to him so he can see the hurt on her face.

“I don’t have the stamina for this anymore, Mulder. I may have enjoyed arguing with people once upon a time but that’s a long time ago. I am just tired of everything, Mulder, and I have tried to be here for you. I want to help you but I can’t do that if the cost of helping you is losing myself in the process. You were right on a lot of things and you have every right to be mad at me about our son. I don’t blame you for telling me the truth. I just can’t stay any longer. Get some help, Mulder. I beg you. Don’t do it for me. Do it for yourself so we can both start healing”, she said.

Tears formed in his eyes.

“I don’t think I can do this without you, Scully. I can’t live without you”, he confessed.

Her own tears flowed down her cheeks.

“Well, you’re going to have to learn how and figure out a way to start living again. You must help yourself. When you did that, call me”, she replied.

“Scully…I…”

“I know. Me too”, she cut him off.

After years of being together, they still couldn’t say the words even when it really matters. They contend with the knowledge that they already knew. Scully needs more than words right now. So instead, she cupped his face and pulled him to press her lips onto his. It was bittersweet. The taste is familiar and yet strange. It’s half of what it used to feel whenever she kisses Mulder. Perhaps, it’s because they’re both not fully there yet. Both of them got parts of themselves still in need of searching and they couldn’t find those together. It is something better done alone, no matter how hard it seems. Scully pulled back and quickly got inside her car and drove off before her resolve fails her.

In her mind, she keeps telling herself that it’s not the end. It’s just a break. They need time to mend and they will heal and then, they can be together again.


End file.
